They are podcasters found in strata, fossils of a bygone era when people posted on the Interwebs series of tubes to be heard by 12 people. That was podcasting c. 2018.

The fossil record shows two enlarged skulls surrounded by microphones. Analysis determines two males 9 years apart. But when factoring in audible records, the younger of the two repeatedly claimed he looked older than the one called Old Man Christopher. (Some speculated Gorilla Shawn was a wizard.)

Records indicate that c. 2018 was the year people determined Young Old Man Shawn transformed from a sea captain look to that of Ivy League anthropology professor.

Their organs stuffed in jars determine two small and one medium to large size dog chewed on what once made them work, but enzyme samples show they regurgitated the organs, smart canines they were. Their podcast was their pyramids, two bespectacled gentlemen hoping the sands of time would hear what they had to say.

But they were no forgotten Ozymandiuses; in fact, we -- representatives from Planet Bolvoid-2-5872, in the year 5279 -- determined that when they released their 300th episode of The Gorillas in Man Suits Last Seen on Earth, that they arose to the status of audio gods.

So it is with great pleasure that we study their tiny bones -- especially their...well, you-know-what bones (huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh), and learn all we can about the two who had the courage to cast the pods and be heard by a people...

* * *

We kick it off with our earliest memories of archaeology, and quickly discuss if we ever wanted to be archaeologists.

Find out if we have met, or are friends with, any archaeologists. After that, we talk about metal detectors...mostly so Christopher can gush about the TV show, Detectorists! (Seriously, people...watch it!) Sticking to that point, find out if we've ever found signs of human life no one else knew about. (Oh, and at this point...we find out Christopher has found three separate couples screwing in the woods. He failed to mention that he once found out he was in a room where two people on the floor quietly knocked boots! A story for another episode, perhaps.)

Next, we talk about the best big-time archaeology finds we've seen in person...and the best low-key finds. We chat about if we think archaeologists defile the dead and whether or not we think technology ruins (0r enhances) the search for lost civilizations.

We talk about fiction...specifically, the story we most love featuring an archaeologist or archaeological find. And then we babble a bit about what we consider the greatest (or simply: most favorite) archaeological find.

And we close it all out with the future of archaeology!

And seriously, people...watch Detectorists!

Oh, like you never went to college for seven years. 

The Gorillamen are prophets. They do an episode about paleontology (Gorilla Shawn, recording in a fever dream), and BOOM! -- without their knowledge, it's International Dinosaur Month. New dinosaurs are discovered (including an image of an ass-eating dino in the thumbnail)! Clearly, we are power-wielding apes!

Also, we're dinosaur geeks, so it's about time we talked about big lizards in our backyard...

* * *

We kick it off with our earliest memories about dinosaurs or the study of paleontology. After that, we talk about if either of us ever considered a career in Dinosaur Arts and Education.

Find out if we know any actual paleontologists...and if we've ever been near a dig -- even a fake one. Then we move on to our schooling...and how teachers discussed paleontology (in Texas and outside of Texas -- because wow, what a difference other states make). Also find out the coolest dinosaur fossils we've seen in person; the fossils we deem best in the world, and our favorite dinosaurs.

Speaking of favorites, we chat a bit about our favorite fictional paleontologists before moving on to why the study of paleontology is important.

And we wrap it all up with the future of paleontology.

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Photo: Brett Meliti.

OMG. I can't even get divorced anymore. Goddamn millennials ruining that, too. And Chili's, the napkin industry, mayonnaise, McBreakfast, and about a hundred billion other things. I can't even chase them off my lawn with a rake.

That's right. Somehow they ruined fuckin' rakes.

Shawn's new goal in life is, that when he dies, to have more wardrobe changes than Aretha Franklin had at her funeral. Christopher is not sure how he wants to go, but -- to quote The Dead Milkmen -- he knows he doesn't want to die, "stoned and fat and wealthy and sitting on the bowl..."

Really, either of the Gorillamen would be fine living a life like Abe Vigoda: successful enough to do his own thing -- and becoming an icon, in part, for being alive when most people believed him long gone...

* * *

We begin with the first dead celebrities we ever heard about, and whether people being upset about celebrity death seemed weird to us as kids.

After that, we talk about why celebrity deaths affect people, and which celebrity deaths (major and minor) affected us. Sticking to those thoughts, we even chat about the celebrity death that will probably hit us most in the future.

Technology has blurred the lines of celebrity -- now, someone with a camera and a YouTube connection can have a larger following than some major celebrities. But...some people stillthink it's weird when an atypical celebrity dies and people mourn. We discuss that, and then move on to the different ways we mourn based on the kind of celebrity who died. (And Shawn and Christopher briefly argue about which Philip Roth book is the best!)

Some celebrities live lives of ridiculous excess...so much so that some people almost seem like they got what they "deserved." We discuss why people can be like that, and then devote some time to celebrity death pools.

Sometimes in death, things are revealed about celebrities that changes some people's views about them. We talk about a few celebrities we've seen that happen with...and then we wrap it all up with perhaps the most ridiculous (and oddly specific) future scenario Gorilla Christopher has devised for the show:

"And now we step into the future. Something about episode number 538 catapults us to super stardom. We can't go outside without being mobbed. We decide to have a recording retreat to a cabin in the woods...where a faulty space heater takes us out with carbon monoxide poisoning. How would YOU like to be remembered by our masses of adoring fans?"

Live long and prosper, y'all!

NICK TOLD ME TO PUT CLASSIC AT THE FRONT

CHRISTOPHER GRONLUND WAS TRIED AS AN ADULT

SHAWN DOESN'T LIKE YOUR TONE

SYLVESTER IS THE LAW

Buckle that seat belt and lock your doors at night. Don't talk to strangers; remember, the world is not a safe place. Don't believe us? Watch the news. See? Right there...so many things worthy of your fear.

Oh, sure...some say they turned the news off and somehow stayed safe, but there's nothing more safe than watching 24-hour news in a bunker with a gun within reach. Just in case someone gets through your defenses, you're armed and ready.

So what if you spilled lukewarm coffee (mustn't be too hot) on your coffee table that's covered in bubble wrap in case of a fall. I mean, somewhere...someonehad to have fallen, hit their temple on the corner of a table, and died. Right? RIGHT?!

Egads, this safety thing can be tiring. Or...maybe, just MAYBEthere's a happy balance between doing the stupid things the Gorillamen have done in their time and ensuring a generally safe life.

* * *

We kick it off with the first time in our lives that we felt unsafe...and then move on to elementary school for tales of the safety patrol!

Find out if we live in safe neighborhoods -- and when we first remember someone talking to us about safety.

What steps do we take to keep ourselves and loved ones safe? Listen and find out! After that, we talk about the one thing we're extra careful in doing...and where we throw caution to the wind and do unsafe things.

Gorillamen Studios East is almost in Dallas, Texas. Find out if we think Dallas is a safe city. Then we go on to chat about whether the world is more or less safe than it's been in the past.

Ever stayed up all night thinking, "I wonder what things the government does in the name of safety that bothers the Gorillamen?" If you have, you will sleep well tonight...because we answer that question!

And we wrap it all up with the future of safety...

Contrary to popular belief, Christopher didn't do a dime in Joliet for armed robbery. He's also not at the Pizza Hut, so you can't find him there, so don't even look.

Shawn, however, did apparently smuggle meth in his bloodstream at some point, if his mug shot is any indication.

HEY LET'S TALK CRIME WHY NOT

This is our last episode!

(That's a lie!)

We are "rebranding" to TrumpCast...an all-Trump, all the time podcast!

(That's a lie, too!)

We're liars, all right!

So...listen to us talk about lying for twelve hours!

(Or maybe an hour and change...)

(Damn Gorillamen liarheads! PANTS ON FIRE!!!)

(HATE those guys!)

Oh, but this is not a lie...you've heard us mention Curtis Hart many times on the show...perhaps, most notably, on the religion episode.

Well...his mighty-assed son had a medical setback. And, if it's in your heart to help out, you can...

On to the show...

* * *

We start with the first lies we remember hearing...and the first lies we ever told. After that, we go there: "Were you ever a habitual liar?" (Oh, Christopher...you sad, sad thing...) And then, find out the most outrageous lies we ever told.

But the past is the past: find out if we still lie today? (And why we might have stopped.)

We chat about why we think people lie...before talking about if we've ever been manipulated by lies. (Oh, Christopher...you poor, dear lad. Holy shit, that is TRAGIC!!!)

Hey, it's the day Cohen turned on Trump and Monafort went down on eight guilty counts (with more to [probably] come). So...how dangerous is it having a president who lies daily? (Yeah, we go there!)

After talking about the Circus-Peanut-Colored shit-lord of a president, we ask this simple question: Is it ever okay to lie?

Like it or not, there's a line between tiny lies many tell and BIG lies. We discuss where that line is, and then ask if society conditions people to lie...even a little bit.

And we wrap it all up with what advice we'd give to someone who lies a lot...

(Share YOUR lies in the comments below...)

(We believe you...)

Before recording the Cruelty episode, the Gorillamen babbled as they often do.

In the past, when we've shared our more general pre-recording discussions, some people have liked listening in.

So...here's a mini episode instead of the usual between-weeks Classic episode...

* * *

Photo by Umanoide.