OMG. I can't even get divorced anymore. Goddamn millennials ruining that, too. And Chili's, the napkin industry, mayonnaise, McBreakfast, and about a hundred billion other things. I can't even chase them off my lawn with a rake.

That's right. Somehow they ruined fuckin' rakes.

Shawn's new goal in life is, that when he dies, to have more wardrobe changes than Aretha Franklin had at her funeral. Christopher is not sure how he wants to go, but -- to quote The Dead Milkmen -- he knows he doesn't want to die, "stoned and fat and wealthy and sitting on the bowl..."

Really, either of the Gorillamen would be fine living a life like Abe Vigoda: successful enough to do his own thing -- and becoming an icon, in part, for being alive when most people believed him long gone...

* * *

We begin with the first dead celebrities we ever heard about, and whether people being upset about celebrity death seemed weird to us as kids.

After that, we talk about why celebrity deaths affect people, and which celebrity deaths (major and minor) affected us. Sticking to those thoughts, we even chat about the celebrity death that will probably hit us most in the future.

Technology has blurred the lines of celebrity -- now, someone with a camera and a YouTube connection can have a larger following than some major celebrities. But...some people stillthink it's weird when an atypical celebrity dies and people mourn. We discuss that, and then move on to the different ways we mourn based on the kind of celebrity who died. (And Shawn and Christopher briefly argue about which Philip Roth book is the best!)

Some celebrities live lives of ridiculous excess...so much so that some people almost seem like they got what they "deserved." We discuss why people can be like that, and then devote some time to celebrity death pools.

Sometimes in death, things are revealed about celebrities that changes some people's views about them. We talk about a few celebrities we've seen that happen with...and then we wrap it all up with perhaps the most ridiculous (and oddly specific) future scenario Gorilla Christopher has devised for the show:

"And now we step into the future. Something about episode number 538 catapults us to super stardom. We can't go outside without being mobbed. We decide to have a recording retreat to a cabin in the woods...where a faulty space heater takes us out with carbon monoxide poisoning. How would YOU like to be remembered by our masses of adoring fans?"

Live long and prosper, y'all!

NICK TOLD ME TO PUT CLASSIC AT THE FRONT

CHRISTOPHER GRONLUND WAS TRIED AS AN ADULT

SHAWN DOESN'T LIKE YOUR TONE

SYLVESTER IS THE LAW

Buckle that seat belt and lock your doors at night. Don't talk to strangers; remember, the world is not a safe place. Don't believe us? Watch the news. See? Right there...so many things worthy of your fear.

Oh, sure...some say they turned the news off and somehow stayed safe, but there's nothing more safe than watching 24-hour news in a bunker with a gun within reach. Just in case someone gets through your defenses, you're armed and ready.

So what if you spilled lukewarm coffee (mustn't be too hot) on your coffee table that's covered in bubble wrap in case of a fall. I mean, somewhere...someonehad to have fallen, hit their temple on the corner of a table, and died. Right? RIGHT?!

Egads, this safety thing can be tiring. Or...maybe, just MAYBEthere's a happy balance between doing the stupid things the Gorillamen have done in their time and ensuring a generally safe life.

* * *

We kick it off with the first time in our lives that we felt unsafe...and then move on to elementary school for tales of the safety patrol!

Find out if we live in safe neighborhoods -- and when we first remember someone talking to us about safety.

What steps do we take to keep ourselves and loved ones safe? Listen and find out! After that, we talk about the one thing we're extra careful in doing...and where we throw caution to the wind and do unsafe things.

Gorillamen Studios East is almost in Dallas, Texas. Find out if we think Dallas is a safe city. Then we go on to chat about whether the world is more or less safe than it's been in the past.

Ever stayed up all night thinking, "I wonder what things the government does in the name of safety that bothers the Gorillamen?" If you have, you will sleep well tonight...because we answer that question!

And we wrap it all up with the future of safety...